Saturday, December 27, 2014
There have been times when I have considered changing the title of my book to – Notes to My Psychiatrist. Much of what I write about is related to my challenges with depression or post traumatic stress disorder symptoms from Jason’s chemo days.
On a recent visit to my Psychiatrist, she expressed concern that my quality of life was impacted by PTSD and she wanted to help me. She suggested a treatment called Rapid Eye Movement Therapy that is being used to help army veterans who have PTSD.
I listened to her description of the therapy and asked her how long the treatment would be and how much it would cost. She said some patients are on treatment for a year and each session is a 3 figure cost that I won’t mention here. I scrunched up my nose and said “I don’t know.”
My thoughts expressed were that I could never afford the treatment, and I felt my memories have a significant meaning in my life. My experiences have made me the persons I am today. Yes, there has been much suffering, but it is a part of me. I then told her that when I am struggling with the darkness of depression I pray the Rosary.
Politely, she said “you can’t pray all day long.” I just looked at her and smiled. If only she knew how often I pray little snippets of the prayers – Our Father and Hail Mary. I wanted to tell her of words I read in the bible “pray without ceasing” but I couldn’t remember the place in the bible that held those words. For this journal entry I found the words in the bible: 1 Thessolonians 5:17.
And I also wanted to remind her of what the Angel told me in 1994 – The presence told me to pray and left me.
On my next appointment with my Psychiatrist I will tell her about that verse. I will also tell her how the little prayers I say help get me out of some dark, desperate, fearful moods. Every day I feel like crying, so I silently pray to Mary. When the energy is sucked out of me like a strawberry milkshake I pray to Mary and for good measure I throw in words from the prayer – Our Father.
As the freshness of the morning wanes and I don’t have any interest or passion for anything, I pray. When fear creeps in and I am too afraid to leave the house I pray some more. At night when it’s time for sleep and I can’t settle I listen to a TV recording of the Rosary from the EWTN channel. And when I have dreams or strange sensations that I feel during my sleep I can hear myself praying the Rosary.
For the challenges of depression and PTSD it’s good that I am able to be supported and treated by a wonderful Psychiatrist that I trust and am comfortable with. But I don’t take enough time to thank the master healer, the wonderful counselor, the great comforter, the Lord of Lords, My God.
Thank you God, for always leading me through the darkness toward the light, toward a brighter tomorrow. For showing me what Love is, what Charity is, what Faith is and what Joy is.
Blessed be the Lord God Almighty.
copyright Sheila Ethier 2014