Friday, December 11, 2015

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34 NIV)

Long ago when I was writing my book “Count It All Joy” somewhere in my mind I was hoping I would one day have a rags to riches story to share. Unfortunately that is not the case. As an independent publisher promoting and selling my book is not in my wheel house of skills. Also, my challenges with depression and PTSD has impacted my ability to secure steady gainful employment. I am not poor, at least I don’t think so, but I do have a hard time making ends meet each month.

It takes great effort on my part to stop comparing my life to that of others. There is no point in doing a comparison, some people just seem to have an easier life. My life is what it is and I have come to the conclusion my life will always be challenging.

I am currently in a deep period of mourning as I come to terms with my father’s passing. It is hard for me to accept that I can never hold his hand, give him a hug or see his beautiful smile. My father’s presence in my life was very dear to my heart. As I have said before he raised my two sons and as a result I have spent most of my life with dad nearby. I feel like a part of my being has disappeared.

My faith in God assures me that his soul has departed and he is in God’s heavenly kingdom. I saw the smile on his face as he gazed into another space or place and took his last breaths here on earth. It was a glorious smile that filled us with peace as we bore witness.

As I try to live in moment, forget about childhood cancer days and stop worrying about how I will pay my bills, when will I feel better, why am I always so tearful, God always finds a way to nudge me out of the cycle of worry. Sometimes it’s the snowflakes, the blue jays in my backyard, my little white dog Coco, or my sons smiles who bring me to the present and let me know that life is good and I do have just enough grace for the day.

 

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